Planet of Mysteries

The place to go for your "50 Shades of Xenos" fix.

Planet of Mysteries

Postby Zorgborg242 » Thu Sep 19, 2013 4:19 pm

Unknown: If anyone can hear this my name is David Hoover.I work with the Leviathan Corperation,i repeat Leviathan Corperation.I was sent here to find planets good for human colonization.*static*

David: One of the captains gave me a little A.I called daisy,say hello daisy.

Daisy: Hello,I was manufactured by Leviathan corperation.I am one of 900,879 A.I cores.

David: Well we crashed here about 2 days ago.Daisy do you know how many casualties there were?

Daisy: I am sorry David but my memory files have been damaged in the crash.I can only "remember" up to 7.39 seconds from the crash.

David: Hmmm....

Daisy: David did you happen to find something?

David: Yeah...I found a P.I.C.K...why would we have these if we were only scouting for planets?Hold up I found something else!

Daisy: And what might that be David?

David: Its...its a gun

David: Things are getting a little werid,i mean when I woke up there weren't any bodys around or damaged emergency cases to hold this stuff.

Daisy: Hud online...David im downloading myself into your suit.You will now be able to see your radar,oxygen levels,and radiation levels.

David: HOLY SH*T *screams* *static*

Daisy:Biological Lifeform Detected...

Welll thats the end.Please tell me what you think of the story,i want to know if i should continue to the second chapter ,also sorry for any spelling or grammer mistakes.
"Ultron,Getting resources for you,and only you"
Zorgborg242
 
Posts: 300
Joined: Sun Jul 28, 2013 2:40 pm
Location: Moon Cavius,Ultron HQ

Re: Planet of Mysteries

Postby JohnnyBlood » Thu Sep 19, 2013 4:31 pm

well... when writing a story you need to make up the character first. what is his back story what are his opinions on things, of coarse most of this wont be seen, heard, or read by the audience but it gives a better performance that this is a character that has existed ever since he was born. another thing you want to do is read every line out loud and question "Why is this person saying this?" "What is he feeling when he says this?" "Who is he talking to?" and most importantly "Is this over the top and unnecessary?"

but all in all my real opinion of the story is that its lacking a personal touch. 'a guy crashed has an AI named Daisy and doesn't know whats going on'
of coarse its just one chapter and anything could happen after that so I can't really judge until the story is complete.

sorry if I'm being a bit rough. I know my fanfic isnt without flaws.
Leroy T. Pumpkin
User avatar
JohnnyBlood
 
Posts: 938
Joined: Tue Feb 19, 2013 4:47 pm
Location: At your mother's house... watching cartoons....

Re: Planet of Mysteries

Postby Zorgborg242 » Thu Sep 19, 2013 4:35 pm

Well time to get to work.
"Ultron,Getting resources for you,and only you"
Zorgborg242
 
Posts: 300
Joined: Sun Jul 28, 2013 2:40 pm
Location: Moon Cavius,Ultron HQ

Re: Planet of Mysteries

Postby Zorgborg242 » Thu Sep 19, 2013 6:07 pm

My second chapter just got deleted it was awesome too but nope the world hates me.
"Ultron,Getting resources for you,and only you"
Zorgborg242
 
Posts: 300
Joined: Sun Jul 28, 2013 2:40 pm
Location: Moon Cavius,Ultron HQ

Re: Planet of Mysteries

Postby Zorgborg242 » Thu Sep 19, 2013 7:18 pm

CHAPTER 2

David: F*cking hell,what the hell was that?

Daisy: Unknown

David: They Said it was just a another planet with a barren landscape!But noooooo it was just a planet with aliens that want to greet you with their huge claws!

David: Don't they have bio scanners on the ship too?Why couldn't they detect these things!

Daisy: Health Critical,Oxygen 65%,Radiation 55%,I suggest you make a shelter of what remains.........

David: Daisy?

*no response*
Power level critical.....Hud Offline

David: Sh*t I forgot to check my power percentage!!!!

David: Sh*t,sh*t,sh*t!,what the hell am I gonna do now???

David: ok david calm down there must be a battery in the ship...

After hours of searching..

David: *sighs in relief* ok, ok I found a emergency radio but the battery terminals are fried,and I found a battery that is 26% full.

David: Think david think! how would I get energy....

David: I got it! ,if I can find a cave with copper ore in it I can convert it into energy!

David: Ok....Good news I found a cave with lots of copper in it.....Weird news.....I found a alien structure....

David: So I was able to get inside the structure with a gravity altering plate that was definitely Xeno technology,there is a some kind of drone here and seems it is in a power off state.

David: How is it doing that? It looks like its been here for awhile, yet its thrusters are keeping in the same position,it appears it has infinite energy......

David: Is there something inside of it?

David: Ok it seems that this drone is indestructible and it has infinite energy....

David: Back to the mission,getting the copper from the cave.

2 hours later...

David: Ok I was able to get the copper from the cave....But now im stuck here because the cave entrance collapsed,I fell in a deep hole too with these strange glowing rocks around me.


David: Ok time to refill the battery with the copper.

David: Success! battery charge is now 99%.

Suit charging....

Hud online.

Daisy: Health Critical,radiation 30%...David how long was I offline?

David: Daisy your back?!

Daisy: Yes I am and at your service.

This is the end of chapter 2 please tell me what you think of the story.
"Ultron,Getting resources for you,and only you"
Zorgborg242
 
Posts: 300
Joined: Sun Jul 28, 2013 2:40 pm
Location: Moon Cavius,Ultron HQ

Re: Planet of Mysteries

Postby Zorgborg242 » Thu Sep 26, 2013 7:12 pm

Questions?,Suggestions?,anybody?
"Ultron,Getting resources for you,and only you"
Zorgborg242
 
Posts: 300
Joined: Sun Jul 28, 2013 2:40 pm
Location: Moon Cavius,Ultron HQ

Re: Planet of Mysteries

Postby JohnnyBlood » Thu Sep 26, 2013 7:25 pm

well...idk. It doesn't really bring anything new to the table.
Leroy T. Pumpkin
User avatar
JohnnyBlood
 
Posts: 938
Joined: Tue Feb 19, 2013 4:47 pm
Location: At your mother's house... watching cartoons....

Re: Planet of Mysteries

Postby Zorgborg242 » Thu Sep 26, 2013 7:50 pm

The Fanfic thread is slowing dying we are in need of good stories!
"Ultron,Getting resources for you,and only you"
Zorgborg242
 
Posts: 300
Joined: Sun Jul 28, 2013 2:40 pm
Location: Moon Cavius,Ultron HQ

Re: Planet of Mysteries

Postby JohnnyBlood » Thu Sep 26, 2013 7:57 pm

its just every fan fiction about xenominer seems to be the plot of the game. A guy crashed alone with an AI. but what about the others? there were other ppl on that ship some of which didn't even land. there might be groups trying to cope over the fact that they are drifting out in space dealing with drama from other passengers in a small life pod.
Leroy T. Pumpkin
User avatar
JohnnyBlood
 
Posts: 938
Joined: Tue Feb 19, 2013 4:47 pm
Location: At your mother's house... watching cartoons....

Re: Planet of Mysteries

Postby Zorgborg242 » Sun Oct 20, 2013 4:31 pm

Isn't pretty much all fan fics in this section the same plot?I mean it's the same two stories everytime,guys crash on moon with a A.I named daisy(or A.I in general)they don't know what happened,and need help,the second type of Story is pretty much the same thing,Guy is stranded on a random moon his boss told him to mine,he crashes and ends up being the only one who survived.Yeah I know there is one or two stories that have a different plot,and those are the ones I like the most.
"Ultron,Getting resources for you,and only you"
Zorgborg242
 
Posts: 300
Joined: Sun Jul 28, 2013 2:40 pm
Location: Moon Cavius,Ultron HQ

Next

Return to Fan Fiction

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron